


Lyall and the Squeaker

by kittymsmith



Category: Parasol Protectorate - Gail Carriger
Genre: Biffy - Freeform, Comedy, Humor, It's all Biffy's POV, Lots of rubber squeakers, akeldama and his cat, also Tizzy and all his YELLOW, rubber duckies, suggested romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-15
Updated: 2015-10-15
Packaged: 2018-04-26 12:19:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5004589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittymsmith/pseuds/kittymsmith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Biffy finds out the Professor's birthday and sets out to get him a present. But what do you get for a man with so many waistcoats you're in danger of purchasing one he already owns? Time to call on Lord Akeldama.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lyall and the Squeaker

**Author's Note:**

> *Thank you to all the commenters! You're so, SO appreciated!  
> I really hope you all enjoy this, I had fun writing it and actually meant to post it weeks ago, but I hadn't quite finished. Don't hesitate to leave kudos or a comment, all make my heart swell and are much appreciated. <3
> 
> Ps. If the formatting seems slightly jacked that's because I have to copy this from a FF.net document and then paste it here, though the fanfic itself is only posted on AO3.  
> Edit: Thank you all so much for the sweet comments, you're all so kind and I can't begin to thank you enough, or show my joy at everyone enjoying this story so much. :D

Lord Conall Maccon, Earl of Woosley, was eyeing Lyall questioningly. It was the sort of look one gave a person when they were trying to figure something out about them, but also didn't care enough to ask, or would rather wait for the person to notice their rude staring and inquire as to what was the cause of it.

Considering Lord Maccon was a reasonably odd person, it took Professor Lyall several minutes before he paid his alpha's knit brow any mind. "M'lord? Have I got something in my teeth?"

Conall cocked his head to the side. "Is today your birthday?"

Lyall blinked rapidly. This statement drew the attention of pup Sandalio de Rabiffano, better known as Biffy. The young man had become rather interested in the professor over his number of months as a werewolf. He was the most evidently intelligent member of the pack, and always the best dressed - granted he always dressed simply, though his waistcoats could get rather extravagant, but well dressed nonetheless. Biffy wouldn't doubt him having once served as a drone before deciding to go for the furrier side of the supernatural.

He shared a quick, subtle look with Lady Alexia Maccon at the other end of the table; they were both the least informed about the professor, and any new tidbit was more fascinating than it was with any other person that came to mind. Except for Lord Akeldama, though that was only on Alexia's side of things. Biffy knew  _quite_  a bit on his former master - a lot more than he really should know, being what he was now. But thankfully for Lord Akeldama, the young wolf was both still caught on him and also knew he needn't go airing out the sort of laundry Akeldama had.

Lyall finally replied, rim of teacup hiding his mouth, "not quite, m'Lord. It's tomorrow, if you must know."

"The first of February?"

"Yes, Lord Maccon."

Conall snorted, looking amused. "You share it with Sidheag."

Lyall inclined his head, now settling on his kipper. "I recall you mentioning that the first time a told you."

"Pardon," Alexia cut in, leaning forward a bit. "Are you saying you actually  _remember_  your birthday? I though supernaturals forgot their birthdays eventually - especially one of your seniority. I know Conall has - I've had to make one up."

Lyall sipped his tea. "Most do, Lady Alpha. There isn't much need for remembering them, since time is practically meaningless to us. Why remember a date that only matters to you, and serves no greater purpose than to remind you how far into your eternity you've come? Besides the fact that the date can get a bit blurry as the years go by, since it isn't remembered by anyone but yourself, and whomever knew you before your transformation."

"Ah, I see." Alexia was nodding, making mental notes. Biffy was making mental notes as well - that was, to always remember his birthday. He wanted to remember how much the 23 of June used to mean, when he previously thought there would only be so many 23 of June's for him to witness. "Then why do you bother remembering yours, if you can excuse the bluntness?"

None of the pack seemed to be paying attention. Either they knew, or they were keeping their ears trained on Lyall while their eyes were kept on their food.

"I suppose, my Lady, because everyone needs to keep something from before they were bitten, and for me the only thing that has stood the test of time is February the 1st."

Alexia gave a single, satisfied nod after that. Soon after breakfast she left to the library, and Conall disregarded his BUR duties and followed her with the usual intent of bestowing many kisses upon her neck.

Biffy stood in the hallway casually, watching as Lyall went off to tend to his beta duties, which at the moment included doing the paperwork his alpha was currently avoiding. Biffy, being a pup of only a few months, had very little responsibility. Most of his time was spent learning military strategy - which he hated - and avoiding changing at any cost - a hard thing to do being as far out from London as he was with only one carriage, which was reserved for Lady Maccon and the clavingers unless permission was otherwise given.

With the knowledge that the carriage was basically out of the question, Biffy reluctantly went to his room and removed his clothing, neatly folding everything and tucking it into a shoulder bag. It would wrinkle horribly, but he didn't really have any other choice. Stark naked in his room, he put the bag over his shoulder and drew from his gut the power that had been thrust upon him against his will.

Changing was grotesque and painful. Biffy had changed very little in his time as a wolf - really only half a dozen times, and that was counting full moon. Actually, he thought as his hair crawled down his back and his spine elongated and reestablished itself in an arched position, this would probably count as his first  _willful_  transformation. He wondered what that meant regarding his feelings towards the professor, since he was going through the process in order to get him a birthday present. The professor probably didn't even care, and Biffy honestly had  _no_ idea what he was going to get him, but Biffy felt it was only appropriate he got him  _something_.

When it was all over, Biffy looked at himself in the mirror. He'd began to gradually see himself differently over his time as a wolf. Instead of seeing a horrific creature in the mirror, he thought he simply saw a wolf with a very nice oxblood colored ring around his chest fur that resembled a cravat. It wasn't precisely a handsome wolf, and he didn't know if he'd ever see his wolf form as handsome, but it was no longer a creature that made his skin crawl.

He left Woosley, ignoring the shocked look of the other pack members. He could feel their eyes follow him as he walked out the door and started down the road. A few paces after he began running, and did so all the way to London with little to no exertion. There he began window shopping, occasionally entering the shops with forced casualness. A wolf in a shop that stayed open for the supernaturals was not an uncommon sight in London; not just the Woosley pack, but many loners would do their shopping in whatever form they were confined in at that moment, and sometimes that meant the furry sort.

Biffy became quickly frustrated in his shopping. The beta did not need a new set of silverware, and Biffy honestly found it amusing he'd even considered it. A waistcoat would not be an unwelcoming present, but Professor Lyall had so many Biffy couldn't find one in the shop he was sure Lyall didn't already own, and giving someone something they already owned was simply unacceptable in Biffy's book, even if the accident wasn't entirely unavoidable. He contemplated a new pair of glassicals as well, but the professor was so fond of his current ones the young wolf couldn't be sure he'd like breaking in a new set.

Lyall was very odd that way, Biffy had found. He loved advancement in technology and would purchase many new gadgets upon their release, but he much preferred having something worn in that he knew the dynamics of rather than having to get used to a new device. Very odd, very frustrating.

Throwing up his metaphysical hands, Biffy resorted to something he wasn't entirely sure would work: he went to Lord Akeldama's townhouse.

It was an unspoken rule that werewolves and vampires did not usually hang around one another. They would attend parties thrown by one another - usually vampires having to politely decline since most werewolf galas would be held out in the country where their tethers did not reach - and there were some vampires and werewolves that visited without reproach due to companionship before metamorphosis.

Biffy had not been able to make much contact with Lord Akeldama since his transformation, but he hoped that their previous relationship would be able to stand the test of their new species differentiation.

At the door he got on his hind legs and leaned against the wood, tapping the doorbell with his nose. He tapped it another couple of times before he heard a drone running towards the door, and then stepped back and sat with as much dignity as a wolf could.

Tizzy opened the door, wearing buttery yellow from his boots to his cravat and even the embroidered tops of his shirt collar. If there was one thing Biffy didn't miss about being one of Akeldama's drones, it was Tizzy's outrageous fondness for yellow.

"A ... Hello, sir?" Tizzy looked confused. "Are you one of Woosley's? Is there some sort of, uh, emergency?"

Biffy realized Tizzy had never seen him as a wolf and attempted to say, "Tizzy, it's Biffy", but all that came out was a strange throat noise and a bark.

"I'm sorry sir, I'm afraid I don't speak wolf."

"Well, I'd really appreciate you getting Lord Akeldama then, because I know he at least vaguely understands most of it." Biffy said, but all Tizzy heard was more growling and another bark.

"Tizzy? Goodness, what  _is_  going on?" Akeldama came up behind Tizzy, not much taller with his lack of heels. Despite the common belief that Akeldama was extremely tall, mostly brought on my his common application of 3 inch high heels when going out, he was only the average height one had to be in order to be considered 'tall'.

Upon seeing him, Biffy let out an unintentionally happy high pitched bark. Akeldama jumped just slightly but smiled.

"Oh, Biffy," he said, voice soft, sweet music to his former drone's ears. He bent down to one knee and pet Biffy's head. Biffy did all he could not to whimper or whine, or make whatever other kind of noise wolves did to express unimaginable joy. He was glad he was a wolf, because otherwise there might have been a few undignified tears falling from his eyes.  _God_  he hadn't realized how much he missed him. "Alexia was right, it does look like you're wearing a cravat. How  _perfectly appropriate_ for you, darling."

Biffy gave a wolfish grin, wagging his tail as Akeldama looked him over with a sort of mild fascination. Tizzy was staring at him, head cocked to one side. They both smelled like his old home - playbook paper and stale ink mixed with lemons and Akeldama's french perfume, just a hint of that bloody calico tinting it all. It gave a sickly sweet feeling to his stomach.

"So tell me, old friend, is catch more entertaining now?" Tizzy questioned as Akeldama finished his petting of Biffy. Biffy growled.

"That's a no, Tizzy dear." Biffy barked and growled again. "And that's some very rude language. Such a naughty boy, Biffy!" Akeldama looked elated. "Those wolves really  _are_  a  _terrible_ influence on you!"

Biffy gave a wolfish shrug. There was no denying that.

"Well my dearest little  _furry quadruped,_ what brings you here?"

Biffy then attempted to explain that he was trying to find a gift for the professor through a series of grunts and whines. Akeldama struck a pose, staring at him with one hand on his hip and the other holding his chin. "Ah, I see. Tizzy, I  _do_ believe I've lost most my ability to understand  _grunt, growl, growl, whimper, grunt, grunt_. Would you happen to have understood a kibble of it?"

Tizzy blinked blankly. "No, m'Lord."

"Ah, I see. Well,  _dearest fuzzball_ , I must ask you take on human anatomy if you wish to acquire my assistance in any form. I assume you have something suitable in that satchel?" The corner of the vampire's mouth twitched upwards. "Or preferably, something rather  _unsuitable_."

Tizzy raised his eyebrows very high at the vampires blatant flirting. It was nothing unusual for him - he was in the habit of throwing risque compliments towards any gentleman, especially if that gentleman happened to be Scottish and the husband of his dearest friend , Alexia. But a comment towards Biffy, in his state, with such a tone of voice, and considering their past intimate relations, could be taken several ways, none of which were appropriate, and some of which were heart wrenching.

Every possible way Biffy could take it made his delicate little werewolf heart twist. But he hid it well and took Akeldama's invitation and entered the house. He went to a side room and shifted against the far wall, swallowing as much of the pain as possible. He then washed his face and put on his clothing, fixing his hair as best he could before joining Akeldama in his drawing room.

The cat lifted his head slightly at Biffy's arrival, then plopped it back down as Akeldama's long fingers began massaging. The two men engaged in tea and some idle conversation - the how are yous, the I've been wells, even though Biffy had not been very well at all. Eventually the disposal of pleasantries and Akeldama flashed him a smile with just a hint of purposeful fang. "So,  _darling little canine_ , what is it that brought you here in willful wolf form? Of which, I must say, you're getting rather good at maneuvering."

Oh goodness, he really was trying hard. Akeldama never paid so many italics to any other wolf. Biffy's heart felt as twisted as a rag being rung out. "Were you aware Professor Lyall recalls his birthday?"

Akeldama blinked rapidly, but nodded. "Yes, February the 1st."

Biffy raised his eyebrows. "You knew?"

"Most supernaturals in London proper  _do,_ Biffy. He has been around a very long time, and word used to spread quickly a century or two ago, before there were so many of us in the city. And there was always this certain way he'd  _say_  it. It's simply impossible to forget - I've always sent a box of German chocolates his way. Can't recall how long ago  _I_ found out, but it was certainly  _long_ ago."

Biffy just sort of sat there a minute. He had no idea the professor liked German chocolate. "Oh, I see. Well, my Lord, that's my conundrum. I wanted to get him something - I just found out this morning, you see, and it only feels appropriate."

" _Ahhhh_ ," Akeldama stroked the cat thoughtfully. "That is a challenge. He's not a fickle man, but his interests are not widely known."

"Even by you, my Lord?" Biffy almost teased, and was rewarded with the slightest smile and a roll of the eyes.

"Oh, it is  _frustratingly_ true, dearest Biffy. We have never been  _intimately connected_ , in  _any_ manner, I'm despondent to say - he does have rather nice thighs, wouldn't you agree? - oh,  _dear_ , I am getting off topic. The point is he is a hard nut to crack. He's been even more shut up since his previous alpha," Akeldama gave a delicate shiver, and Biffy gave a look to the ground in acknowledgment. "But, um, oh where  _was_  I? Ah, yes, Professor Lyall. I've never been able to put many pieces to that puzzle - and you know what? I believe he's  _completely aware_ and rather  _enjoys_ making me chase after any little thread he leaves, the  _rascal_ \- but I do know he's fond of waistcoats."

Biffy nodded solemnly. "I know, my Lord. I was in the shop for at least an hour, but I can't discern what he does and doesn't have. Honestly, I think he might own them all."

"Hmm..." Akeldama knit his brow, seeming to file the information away, and said, "have you considered some sort of gadgetry?"

"I have, but I didn't want him to feel obligated to 'break in' a new set of glassicals. He likes them a bit worn and soft - the ones he has he wears all the time around Woosley, I think they're fused to his nose."

Akeldama filed that away and chuckled. Biffy knew he was enjoying this - that is, the new found tidbits on Professor Lyall. He really must be shut up if Akeldama was giggling over information on his glassical habits. Then again, the very idea of a man of Lyall's composure running around with glassicals always on his nose was hilarious. The act itself had sent Biffy into a fit of giggles once or twice, depending on how magnified Lyall had his eye at the time.

Akeldama proposed a few more things, which Biffy would have to shoot down. Then Biffy would propose a few things, and Akeldama would shake his head. Finally, Akeldama said, "he has an odd sense of humor. Why not get him a rubber duck?"

"A rubber duck?"

"Yes!" Akeldama grinned. "There's an absolutely  _darling_ little shop about two blocks down - oh, it's just  _lovely_ Biffy! It's entirely filled with rubber ducks!"

Biffy thought Lord Akeldama had truly lost it this time.

"Though, not all of them are  _ducks_. They have cats, and grasshoppers, and dogs and dirigibles - dozens upon dozens of different little squeakers!"

Akeldama reached over and showed Biffy what appeared to be a calico cat rubber squeaker that distinctly resembled Akeldama's own cat. When he gave it a squeeze, it meowed.

"That... Is," Biffy started laughing, feeling he'd truly lost it this time as he said, "brilliant!"

Akeldama beamed, giving the squeaker a couple of squeezes and watching in amusement as his calico whipped its head around, looking for the cat in his territory. "I recommend you go down there now,  _dearest fluff ball_ , before they close for the night."

"I do think I will, m'Lord." Biffy replied, chuckling as he stood. Akeldama played good host and walked him to the door, pausing with his hand on the knob.

"Are you happy, Biffy?" He asked, tone low enough that Biffy would have probably just heard a mumble if it wasn't for his supernatural hearing.

He swallowed hard. "Some days, Akeldama."

Akeldama breathed deeply, putting down the cat he had held in one arm, and beckoning Biffy over. He put his hands on Biffy's shoulders, and looked him in the eyes. "Please make an effort,  _sweet_ Biffy, to make that all days, because I cannot do anything to aid you in your happiness any longer but have a cup of tea. And no matter what Alexia says, tea cannot fix  _everything_."

Biffy stiffened. Akeldama stood as if he said nothing meaningful, as if the hands on Biffy's shoulders weren't gripping hard. He stood as if his voice hadn't just cracked on his last word. "This is all a mess, Biffy, but I'd rather us both find something good in the rubble than dwell on the damage to the upholstery. Do you understand?"

Biffy nodded just slightly. "I do, m'Lord."

Akeldama gave a smile of relief. "Then please, go on and get the professor a squeaker. I want a letter detailing the expression on his face."

Biffy found himself smiling. "Of course, my Lord."

 

He walked the two blocks to the shop and entered. Akeldama had been underestimating with his statement. There weren't dozens upon dozens, but more hundreds upon hundreds of different rubber squeakers in the shop. There were ones shaped like animals, some like buildings, others like dirigibles and hackneys. Some were clustered in groups on the shelves, acting out scenes; a princess set on top of a rubber castle, with her knight in shining rubber atop a valiant steed on the shelf below.

It was all extremely charming, and Biffy had to resist buying a squeaker that resembled the cathedral he'd gone to as a child. There was also a squeaker of the Nativity Scene, which he didn't know what to think of.

After much searching and deliberation, Biffy happened upon the perfect squeaker: a white, woolly sheep. It made a baa sound when squeezed.

He purchased it, along with a mouse he planned to put on Channing's blanket when he was asleep. Preferably over his nether regions, because Biffy knew the first thing he'd do was punch it.

After this he managed to hail a hackney back to Woosley and went about the rest of his night as normal. When the time came he took the little mouse and put it on Channing's blanket, then woke up the next evening and sat with Lyall, Conall, Alexia, and an assortment of other members of Woosley who had arisen. Just as he was sipping his first cup of tea, there was a womanly scream, followed quickly by a loud squeaky noise and another womanly scream.

Conall turned to the grinning pup. "What did you do?"

Biffy stirred his tea happily. "I bought a squeaky mouse and left it in his room."

"Why, he's terrified of mice!" Alexia said happily.

"Exactly why I put it a bit  _low_ , m'Lady."

Lyall choked on his tea and let out a genuine laugh. "You didn't!"

"I did, Professor."

Lyall seemed a loss and laughed again, slamming his face down on the table to muffle his chortling.

Channing came in moments later, outraged and wearing some hastily thrown on long johns. " _Who put the squeaker on my blankets?!_ "

Everyone acted as if they didn't know as Lyall looked straight at him and started laughing again.

"You shut up!"

Lyall grinned. "I don't think I will. You know, I haven't heard anyone scream like that since m-my last time at the opera."

Channing huffed and mumbled something indistinguishable before stomping out of the room, shaking the paintings on the walls.

Lyall looked to Biffy, face back to normal but for a hint of smile at the corners of his lips. "Admirable tact, Biffy. That was the most entertaining thing to happen Woosley in a long time."

"Did he used to be a singer? I can't fathom how he reached that octave." Alexia mused.

"Sculpture, but he could belt out a tune." Lyall shrugged.

Biffy found an appropriate time later in the night to give Lyall his present. He'd put it in an adorable white square box with a red ribbon on top. "Happy birthday, Professor."

Lyall looked genuinely surprised. "Really? Biffy, this really wasn't necessary."

Biffy shrugged. "It felt appropriate. You may have had many of them, but still. Happy ... Whatever one it is."

Lyall blinked and took the box while half mumbling "350 something, I think". He took the top off the box to reveal the little white sheep and stared before snorting and picking it out with his thumb and forefinger. "Goodness gracious, it's adorable."

"Squeeze it."

Lyall did, and the baa sent him into a fit of giggles. He really did have an odd sense of humor. "Oh  _my_. I've never seen something so - what is this, a squeaker? Like the mouse? Goodness, Biffy, it's wonderful. Thank you." He squeezed it and giggled again. Biffy wondered if this is what the Professor was like influenced by alcohol, and decided it was when he went right up to Conall as he was passing by and made the sheep baa in his face.

"What the bloody hell?" Conall went crosseyed looking at it.

Lyall squeaked it twice.  _Baa baa._  "A present from Biffy." He squeaked it again.  _Baa._

Conall breathed deeply, looking at his youngest pack member. "He's going to squeak that thing all day, you know?"

"I would too." Biffy snorted, taking delight in the mischievous expression on Lyall's face as he followed Channing, a trail of squeaky  _baas'_ in his wake.

Conall shook his head, smirking as Channing started complaining about Lyall's new squeaker. "Good choice, though." And then he went on, letting Lyall torture Channing to his hearts content.

Biffy watched the proceedings for awhile before going upstairs and writing out the letter to Akeldama, making sure to detail just how bright the Professor's eyes had gotten upon squeezing the sheep for the first time.


End file.
